not so easy, but so hard

I met you and I fell so deep, and you fell with me and we had nowhere to hide from the raw feelings that were there. I saw you in me and maybe you saw yourself in me, I am not sure. I was so scared I cried, you were so scared you left me.

So now I sit, and try to mend myself and then I think it is to much and I cheer myself on with a gin and tonic and thoughts that I do not need you. Knoingly lying to myself, just because I can, yes I am good at it... watch me laugh out laoud, it sounds so real, but it is fake all the way... for now..
It was fast and furious, it was as if it was meant to burn out, as if we both asked for it, as if we could never handle that mirror of ourselves that I reflected upon you and that you reflected upon me. I never felt so safe as in your arms and I have never felt so left as I do alone. You made me mad, you made me all sorts of thing, but in the end you really made me happy and then you did what I feared the most, you left me...

I stood alone, and lone I stood, and I cried until tears dried up and I lied to myself.
I said it was OK, I said we could be friends, because my love was endlessly deep and I knew it was to burn and burst, that you would never change your mind, that I was what you was scared off.

I gave you my hand, my mind, and I could not hurt you, I did not want to hurt you ever, I wanted to take the stars down from the sky, be cheesy beyond, I wanted to heal that hole inside you, the hole we both have, maybe we just are born to try to fill that whole black hole.

Ages ago a friend coming off drugs told me, that people like us have a hole, and we will struggle our entire life to fill it, we will fill it in different ways. I try to keep off the drugs and the devious shots, because they fill the hole but never heal, and they never last.

I cried today, yesterday, and the day before that... and still I smile, because I know that it does not last forever and I know we are the ones that hurt ourselves more than anyone else.